Blog From a Vol Fan - An Open Letter to John Calipari

From the BruceIsLoose.com

Blog "O" Bruce

(Let me just say, I find this pretty funny, but off base. Memphis clearly would love to be in the Big East or even the SEC, but in the meantime, we'll just win lots of games, get high rankings, and perhaps even win some national titles, ed.)

Dear John,

This coming Saturday your mighty Tigers will be facing the Tennessee Volunteers in one of the most anticipated regular season college basketball games in recent memory. With all eyes looking towards this matchup, I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts with you.

Let me first say that it is truly a pleasure to watch such a master coach at work. To be undefeated right now is a magnificent feat. It is hard to comprehend how you were able to guide your way through such a ridiculously hard schedule and remain unscathed. Your conference, Conference USA, stands as a man among boys compared to everyone else. You have been quoted as saying "I don't care about the SEC." I don't blame you. Why worry about such lesser programs like Florida and Kentucky when you have got bigger fish to fry? Just looking at a list of schools in the Conference USA is a virtual who's who of athletic dominance:

Eastern Carolina
Marshall
Central Florida
UAB
Southern Miss
Tulane
Tulsa
SMU
Houston
Rice
UTEP
Karns High School

Anybody want to sign up to play these guys? I sure wouldn't.

It is unbelievable that you are able to compete with these types of teams year in and year out. In a league loaded with big time coaches, sure fire NBA lottery picks, and all around total bad-assness, you have managed to win all your games so far. How do you do it John? TELL ME YOUR SECRET!! I think it can only be summed up like this- you are a genius.

I don't mean to keep patting you on the back, but damn John, I'm going to have to do it again. A couple of years ago when lesser coaches such as Rick Pitino got scared and ran away with their teams to another league you did not bat an eye. It must have been tempting to leave, to not have to deal with the UTEPs and Tulanes of the world anymore, but you knew that this type of competition would only make you stronger. You simply would not back down from this challenge. As usual you were right again Johnny. You inspire me.

You created quite a stir when you claimed that Memphis was getting ready to move from "being Tennessee's team to America's team." I love it. While the liberal media tries to report claims that nobody outside of Shelby County actually cares one bit about your team, you see right through that one. Bruce Pearl and the Volunteers may "technically" be Tennessee's team with their enormous fanbase and high octane offense, but you aren't into technicalities. You just call them like you see them. Some people use their heads, but you my friend stick to the heart and the heart speaks truth. And then to top it off by claming that you are "America's team"? BRILLIANT. People like whoever they are told to like, you and I know that, and you have told the state of Tennessee and our great country that YOU are our team (it's Conference U-S-A for a reason). Thank you for being the leader that we need during these tumultuous times. I guarantee that I would be better off if you would tell me everything that I need to think. PLEASE JOHN JUST TELL ME AND I WILL DO IT.

Speaking of Bruce Pearl, what's that guy's problem? Why is he always so energetic and excited? Why does he sweat so much? Why does he try to be so likeable and funny? Get over yourself buddy. He thought he was pretty clever with his quote about your schedule but obviously he is the one who looks foolish here:

"We play Florida, not Central Florida [as Memphis does]. We play Ole Miss, not Southern Miss. "

Everyone knows that Florida is no good this year. So they won back to back championships. What have you done for me lately? Bruce loses this one. I don't understand what his deal is. Why does he get so mad when you don't want to play them anymore? I wouldn't want to play them either. They did beat you by 20 points last year. Why would you want to schedule another loss? The purpose of the game is to win, not lose. I guess Bruce doesn't get it. Anyways, don't let Bruce get to you. I think he's just a flash in the pan. You, John, are the coach for me.

You have already let it be known that "playing Tennessee is not beneficial to your national schedule". What does he not understand about this? Maybe you should consider sending Coach Pearl a letter telling him to leave you alone. Something like this: MEMO TO BRUCE- I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY YOU. I AM GREASING THE HELL OUT OF MY HAIR AND WATCHING FILM ON EASTERN CAROLINA. See if he has some smart response to that one.

You also wisely stated that "I'm [playing Tennessee] because I'm being asked to do it by the powers that be on this campus, and I'm trying to be a team player." YES. Thank God somebody is a team player. How can you ask your players to play as a team if you yourself are not a team player? ANSWER- YOU CAN'T. This sends a clear message about your leadership skills right here. If you are recruiting my son and come into my living room with that whole "team player" speech I would react the following ways: a) tearing up just a bit, and b) giving my son an athletic butt slap and the instructions "this is your coach". You think Bruce Pearl knows anything about teamwork? Maybe so, maybe not. We don't know for sure because he has not called himself one. You are a renaissance man.

I hate to keep comparing you with Coach Pearl, but I must keep doing it to show your strengths. So Bruce paints up for a game, big deal. Oh, wait now he ripped his shirt off in the locker room. Whatever. Everyone just thinks he is so damn fun. Well guess what Johnny, you are fun too.

Need more proof? So be it.

Coach Calipari during an intense game of charades. If anything is a close second on the fun scale to line dancing, it is definitely charades. Not sure exactly what you are acting out here (water skiiing?) but it is awesome.

I could go on and on with you Johnny. You are everything that I strive to be.

This is not a new love. I have been a Calipari loyalist for close to fifteen years now. I religiously watched UMASS games and then followed your short but sweet run in the NBA. Others may say you "failed" in your attempt to coach at a pro level, but they are dead wrong. You just had the passion to get back to your roots, making boys into men at the college level. Remember when you had that whole controversy for calling that New Jersey Nets reporter "a Mexican idiot?" People are so uptight. All the latino people I know thought it was hilarious. Some "experts" thought that you would just fade into obscurity after these public problems but you proved them all wrong. You could have taken a nice job coaching some lowly school where you didn't have to play anyone that was any good. But no John, you wouldn't do it. You would not go down like that. You looked into the mirror and saw a man who needed the challenge and gamesmanship of big time college hoops. Not just any type of college basketball would do. You realized that there was only one thing that could quench this thirst- CONFERENCE USA BABY.

So overall Coach, I just want you to know that I appreciate everything about you. I love your attitude. I love the way you act like you are God's gift to coaching (you are). Your tough schedule, your cool hair, your overall dominance in life. The way you have all of those great quotes. It's all just incredible. I am a better person for just watching you coach. You have taught me more about myself than all of my teachers and family members combined. Thanks again for all that you do, Johnny. You are my hero.

Sincerely,

The Hog

P.S. I actually think that you are a huge idiot. You repulse me in ways that nobody else can. If I had my choice between either living in the same city as you or cutting off all of my limbs and replacing them with candy bars I would definitely choose the latter.

P.S.S. There are at least five women's teams that could compete in your conference.

P.S.S.S. Come to Knoxville so I can key your car

PREDICTION = VOLS 90 - MEMPHIS 71. AFTERWARDS BRUCE PEARL TAKES THE MICROPHONE AT MIDCOURT PROCLAIMING ONCE AND FOR ALL "MEMPHIS WAS NEVER TENNESSEE'S TEAM AND JOHN CALIPARI IS A HUGE DOUCHEBAG"